Someone get this man a teaching job at a local community college. Stat!

You're a grown ass man with a mortgage and your dad never taught you how to airate your own lawn. Don't worry, I got you. First, hit up your local Tate Rents and tell him you need to rent an airator for about two hours. Oh yeah. The concept of lawn aation is very simple. essentially a rotary motorized prison shank that stabs the snot out of your lawn, creating all these holes, decompressing it, allowing for water, moisture, and air flow to take place so that when you do add all the proper nutrients for it, it actually gets down in the soil. Let's stab some people. I mean, let's stab this lawn. By this point, your lawn should look like all the neighborhood dogs decided to take a crap in it. Don't worry, it'll break down in a couple of weeks and restoring the nutrients back to your lawn. Congratulations. You did it. You airrated your own lawn and in the process saved you about 150 bucks. Not to mention, your lawn is going to look beautiful this summer. Proud of you. Go enjoy your weekend, you crazy bastard.